I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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