From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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