my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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