why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
