Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
