Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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