he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
