he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
