My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
