Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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