Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
