she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Small penises have feelings too.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
