I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He passed out mid-signature
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
