census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
