i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
