I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
