He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
