Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
True strength comes from lack of pants
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize