I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just had sex on a roof
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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