capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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