I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
