I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
