Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
