i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
