Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
