last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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