shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
