Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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