This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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