who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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