Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
