my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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