On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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