He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
