I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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