If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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