You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
