he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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