I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
