Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
