maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
