Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
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He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
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Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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