Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
