I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
