true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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