i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
