i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
