I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
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