hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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