He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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