My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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