Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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