In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
