We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
