he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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