I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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