I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
