Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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