Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

I think I won the penis lottery.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Thursdays are my worst days

(1-416): View more from Ontario

but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.

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(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.

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(914): View more from New York

The ice cream man just told me to use protection.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over?

(602): View more from Arizona

Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho

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