Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
